Fights between friends, what can you do as a parent?

Friendships
As we know, friends are essential during adolescence. Having friends means having allies to share new experiences with: it means having companions, gaining popularity, and never feeling alone. All this contributes to an increase in self-confidence among teenagers.

However, friendships, especially during puberty, are a source of both joy and sorrow. How often do we see our children crying and listen to their stories about what that one friend has done now? How much anger does that stir up in us as parents? At such moments, we feel a deep internal frustration and want nothing more than to grab the phone, call the parents of those children, and tell them off! Yet, this is not the best approach.

In this article, we focus primarily on analyzing conflicts between girls and understanding how and when we, as parents, can intervene without overly interfering in the growth processes of our daughters. We will also teach them how best to resolve conflicts with their peers.

Why do conflicts between girls occur more often?
Boys and girls are different. This does not mean that both do not deserve support, but the type of guidance parents can offer should match the nature of their child.

When girls enter puberty (around the age of 11), they begin to display typical characteristics of their nature that were previously less visible. They are, more than boys, devoted to long conversations in which they share secrets, discuss topics, and express their feelings.

Why are conflicts between girls harder to resolve?
When two girls argue, they rarely resolve it physically. This does not mean, of course, that violence, as sometimes happens with boys, is more acceptable.

Girls often use two strategies during conflicts that make resolution difficult because they have subtle and often more painful psychological consequences:

1. Relational aggression: Actions that harm the social relationships of the other girl, such as excluding her from the group or forming an alliance with “enemies.”
2. Indirect communication: Gossiping about the former friend and only telling their side of the story.

What should a parent NOT do when their daughter is upset about a conflict?
Girls are generally more expressive than boys, so we may see them crying, yelling, refusing to eat, or reacting excessively angry. The first thing you should NOT do is feed into their anger and sadness. However, this does not mean you should underestimate or ignore their feelings.

Another mistake is making statements such as:

• “You’re being so dramatic! Stop overreacting!”
• “Oh, who cares? She’ll probably be over the fight with you in a few days.”

What can a parent do immediately?
To manage your daughter’s crisis, you, as a parent, can do the following:

• Listen to her, encourage her to open up, and show empathy.
• Maintain an assertive and calm demeanor.
• Offer comfort and support with two clear messages:
  1. “I am here for you, and you don’t have to solve this alone.”
  2. “Everything can be resolved, with the right approach and at the right time.”

5 steps parents can take to help their daughter resolve a conflict:

1. Teach your daughter to analyze the situation objectively. Ask thoughtful questions like: “Why do you think this happened?” or “What could you have done differently?”
2. Set a good example at home. Gossiping about the situation and seeking revenge on your own friends when they wrong you is not a good example. Show assertiveness.
3. Encourage your daughter to take responsibility. Let her reflect on her role in the conflict: “Did I do anything to cause this?”
4. Promote conflict resolution. Explain that open dialogue and an honest conversation are valuable. Saying you’re sorry is a sign of strength, not weakness.
5. Help your daughter choose her friends carefully. Sometimes it’s better to seek out other friends who are more genuine.

What if all these steps aren’t enough to resolve the situation?
In such cases, it is clear that more is needed and that other adults need to be involved. Adolescents often lack proper judgment and, without fully realizing it, can do cruel things.

Dear parents, we hope this article has helped you better understand how to support your daughter when she has conflicts with her friends.

Nan Coosemans

Founder Younite